A Bear Market in Golf
Bull Market – A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Watch List - Your future stock picks that have now gained 100%.
Security List - The source of my insecurities
Ahead of the Herd - If you are riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then and make sure it’s still there.
Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
Value Investing - The fine art of buying low and selling lower.
Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.
P/E ratio - the percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
Cash Flow – The movement your money makes as it disappears down the drain.
Profit - A religious market analyst.
Broker – What my broker has made me.
Stock Analyst - The idiot who just downgraded your stock.
Institutional Investor – Last year’s investor who is now locked up in a nuthouse.
Standard & Poor – Your life in a nutshell.
Bear Market – What will happen if the DOW average falls any further? Answer: They’ll add a N to the end of it!
Ahead of the Herd - If you are riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then and make sure it’s still there.
Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
Value Investing - The fine art of buying low and selling lower.
Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.
P/E ratio - the percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
Cash Flow – The movement your money makes as it disappears down the drain.
Profit - A religious market analyst.
Broker – What my broker has made me.
Stock Analyst - The idiot who just downgraded your stock.
Institutional Investor – Last year’s investor who is now locked up in a nuthouse.
Standard & Poor – Your life in a nutshell.
Bear Market – What will happen if the DOW average falls any further? Answer: They’ll add a N to the end of it!
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There are primarily 3 different types of investors
who post on the message boards. 1. Those who don't know anything: approx. 10%
2. Those who know a little: approx. 10%
3. Those who don't realize they don't know anything: approx. 80%
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A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud
shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, stockbroker, of Noo
Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the stockbroker, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The stockbroker goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a stockbroker-- he gets a silken robe and golden staff but I, a minister, only get a cotton robe and wooden staff? How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; his clients, they prayed."
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The other night a politician was out for
dinner. After more than a few drinks, and knowing full well he was well over the
limit, he did something he had never done before. He took a bus home.
He arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as he had never driven a bus before.
He arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as he had never driven a bus before.
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If you are in need of government direction...
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If at first you don't
succeed...
A Government Job is Available |
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PREVENT GOVERNMENT
GROWTH
USE BIRTH CONTROL |
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HOW TO START A
FIGHT
One year, I
decided to buy my mother-in-law a
cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year,
I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked
me why, I replied,
"Well, you
still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how
the fight started.....
______________________________
My wife and I
were watching
"Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"
"Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"
while we were
in bed.
I turned to
her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she
answered.
I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't
even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said,
"Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's
when the fight started...
______________________________
I took my wife
to a restaurant.
The waiter,
for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the
rump steak, rare, please."
He said,
"Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can
order for herself."
And that's
when the fight started.....
______________________________
My wife and I
were sitting at a table at her
high school reunion,
high school reunion,
and she kept
staring at a drunken man
swigging his drink as
swigging his drink as
he sat alone
at a nearby table.
I asked her,
"Do you know him?"
"Yes", she
sighed,
"He's my old
boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those
many years ago,
and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I
said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"
And then the
fight started...
______________________________
When our lawn
mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get
it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first,
the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived
home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away
with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time
and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came
out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors
say I will walk again,
but I will always have a limp.
but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat
down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked,
"What's on TV?"
I said,
"Dust."
And then the
fight started...
______________________________
My wife was
hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I
want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2
seconds."
I bought her a
bathroom scale.
And then the
fight started......
______________________________
After
retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman
behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my
age.
I looked in my
pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I
was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back
later.
The woman
said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my
shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said,
'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed
my Social Security application.
When I got
home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security
office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability too.'
And then the
fight started...
______________________________
My wife was
standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not
happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
I replied,
"Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the
fight started........
______________________________
And it works.
Let's hope they open the restaurants soon...
Bears didn't get the memo on social distancing.
Bears didn't get the memo on social distancing.
A warm and cozy place to visit when we can travel again....
How to make friends on the street during the pandemic...
"Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool. I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.
And it works.
I already have 3 persons following me: 2 police officers and a psychiatrist".
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Creative Cheerleader Advice
For those involved in market cheerleading, here are my answers…
If you don't succeed in cheerleading… A Government Job is Available |
BEWARE OF PREGNANT TREND CHEERLEADERS USE (Indicator) BIRTH CONTROL |
Don't Drink and Drive While Cheerleading You might hit a bump and spill your secret concoction |
A Fool and his Money Can throw one heck of a cheerleading party Until the Dawn of Reality |
